What makes us let insecurity in?
Is it the experiences we wish we could change? The hurtful things people say to us when they themselves are hurting? The things society tells us we should be?
All of the above?
When you’re young, you’re experiencing so many things for the first time. You’re fearless.
But as you get older, there tends to be a pattern of hurt that just continually repeats itself. The monotony of that pain,is tiring. You just want rest.
You’re not sure who you are, where to go or if you’re even doing things right.
You sit down and step into your mind. All of the sudden,You hear loud knocking and yelling too, about how you should’ve done better today and how you’re not good enough. That is insecurity.
You can’t think straight, your head hurts and you’re concentrating on trying to ignore it. You just want peace.
Instead of fighting it, you decide to let the insecurity in and you feel grateful. You sigh, sit down and relax.
You think, by allowing it to come in, that you will get some peace and rest. That you’re just calmly surrendering and that you both get to equally share your thoughts.
But letting it in, doesn’t mean that you both sit down, laugh and have a cup of tea together.
What you don’t realize is that it’s a dictator, It doesn’t want to equally share your thoughts, it wants to fully control your every thought and feeling. It doesn’t have an ounce of kindness in it.
It speaks louder than any of your kind thoughts ever had before.
You aren’t good enough, smart enough, kind enough or pretty enough.
Why do you even speak, when your words don’t mean a thing? Why do you laugh when you don’t deserve to? Why do you even exist at all?
It continues on, telling you who is greater than you. Listing off every name you know and each stranger you pass.
The tears stain your pillow with brokenness and heartache.
You wish you could disappear or maybe even die, because not a single person would care.
You dug a hole so deep within your thoughts and you didnt even think to bring a ladder with you.
What you didn’t realize, was that while you were digging the hole, insecurity let depression in.
While insecurity was continually telling you all that you weren’t, depression was in the background, laughing.
Depression takes over every happy feeling, until you yourself cant find any joy.
You feel lost, weary and you wish you could just give up.
But by grace, you eventually, climb up. The air becomes clearer. You can breathe, think and see better.
Finally, you decide to throw both of them out.
Slowly, you begin to feel happiness again, and you realized how much you missed it.
You’ll still have the scars and, sometimes, you’ll reflect on what it told you, as if they were facts..
Insecurity never fully leaves. It’ll always want to come inside and take over again.
It’ll yell cruel things at you too, from time to time. And it’s voice is so recognizable in its familiarity that, sometimes, you can’t help but listen to the harsh words, and believe them.
Do me a favor, if insecurity ever knocks, please dont answer.
So back story.. I wrote this awhile ago. Obviously I’ve dealt with insecurities in my past. Those insecurities led me to believe that I was worthless.
I was finding my worth in who was around me. When a lot of people I was close to, left, I had no sense of worth.
Having no sense of worth made me seriously doubt God’s love for me. And that physically made me hurt.. I could see how He loved everyone else in the world, but not me.
All I could pray, over and over again was- ‘Jesus..please.. help.. Jesus..please..help.’
It was a long process but He showed me through conversations, prayer, and His word how much He loves me. That’s why, by grace, I climbed out of the hole.
Insecurities are absolutely terrible and I still struggle with them at times. What I realized through all of that though, was that my worth comes from how much my Savior loves me and not from the worldly things, like I had previously thought.
So if you’re ever doubting your worth because of things this world may tell you, tell yourself those are LIES.. What God says about you is the truth and God wanted you before time began, so much so, that he decided to CREATE you! If that doesn’t give us a sense of belonging, I don’t know what will.(;